A New Shade Of Grey
by 1BlakieBoo
Summary: Meredith Grey is in a downward spiral and life is becoming increasingly harder. With three children to care for on her lonesome the stress is overwhelming. Meredith just attended the funeral service for her deceased love and her children are with their aunt. But is a life without Derek a time she wants to live in?


Meredith Grey pulls into the nicely paved driveway of the beautiful and exquisite house, that her one true love made for her. She closes her eyes and granules of a picture form before her. Flashbacks of Derek the first night she met him in the bar. The way he talked so sophisticatedly and how he had her wanting more from just "hello". She flashbacks to watching him get shot in the hospital by the psycho who thought revenge on the surgeons who failed in an operation on his wife was the appropriate way to go about his loss. Meredith remembers her first baby and the one that heaven claimed early. The child she never got to call her own before he or she was taken from her.

Meredith hits the mailbox and stomps on the brakes jerking the car instantly. Tears trickle down her face and she doesn't bother to wipe them. Her tear ducts are open flood gates after a devastating storm. Meredith presses her eyes shut again unable to look at the cruel world. After a moment she opens her eyes and drives up the rest of the driveway. Meredith stops and opens her purse. She reaches into the leather accessory and digs through all its contents. When she can't find what she's looking for she desperately dumps the purse onto the passenger seat.

Sorting through the gum wrappers, medical journals, and cards, she finds a small prescription bottle full of tiny blue pills. Mylan-Zopiclone. Her saviour. Meredith removes the keys from the ignition and gets out of the car and doesn't bother to close door. She has her house keys and the prescription bottle and climbs the stairs to the house. Mer opens the door and pushes it open with more force than necessary. The door swings inward and Meredith walks inside. She goes to the mantle and looks at the photos of Derek, Zola, and Derek-Bailey.

Tears stream faster down her cheeks and Meredith lets out a cry of agony. Closing her eyes to reminisce in the sweet glorious memories. Derek appears again and this time she watches him play with there children. Her soaked eyes and black satin dress drown in the tears shed as a result of the memories and misery. Meredith looks at the prescription bottle again and departs the living room dropping her keys on the way. The prescription bottle is the only thing she needs. She walks into the bathroom and kicks off her heels. She battles with the lid because her hands are shaking so violently. Finally the lid bursts open and some pills surge out.

She glances up and sees something else in the mirror. A monster. Mascara and eyeliner run down her face, her eyes are bloodshot and hurting from fatigue and lack of sleep and her whole body cramps and pulses. There are bite marks on her nails and her hair is starting to curl from moisture.

"DEREK," Meredith screams in a shrill ear bleeding howl. Her voice is hoarse and sore from saying "Thank you" so many times and all the sobbing. Meredith looks down at the blue pills originally prescribed to derek during his hand surgery. Meredith is no longer the sunshine that walked into the hospital on her first day as a surgical intern. Meredith swallows a giant wad of saliva as she looks into the blue pills that taunt her.

"Do it."

"Kill yourself."

"You're alone."

"We can help."

"KILL YOURSELF!"

Meredith strikes the mirror with her fist and cuts her hand. The pain is sweet and blood oozes from the fingers to the wrist. The blood falls into the white sink and Meredith stares up at the roof. The shattered glass reveals the true identity of the person before it. The shattered soul that is so cold and alone. The one craving for love and attention. The one who was abandoned as a child and left to fend for herself. The child whose always followed behind her mother to one day be recognized as her own individual. Derek made her feel this way and only Derek could.

Cristina left her. Lexie left her. No one could mend the broken and wounded pieces of her being. How could she live. Meredith feels the breeze come through the bathroom window that sends exciting chills down her spine. Meredith staggers over to the glass. She sets the bottle down beside the window and opens the glass. Her one hand still bleeds that oh so sweet blood that gives Meredith such euphoric feelings. The window opens further and further and Meredith sits down on the toilet. Bloody hand at one side and the other hand holding the cordial. Taking the last deep look into the bottle Meredith lifts her hands to her lips. As she is about to gorge the contents she see's Zola.

"Momma," her sweet angel cries and Meredith weeps more. Mer combs through her own hair with her bloody hand and stains her straightened dirty blond hair. The image of Zola disperses into the air and now she sees a dead embryo covered in blood and amniotic fluid. The small amount of flesh that makes up a corpse just lays there. Almost peacefully.

"My precious child," Meredith laments and her hand jerks and throws the pill bottle outside onto the lawn. The diamond blue pills shower the lawn and mix with the grass and soil. Mer gets up from the bathroom. Going back into the living room she heads to the kitchen. Rifling through her cupboards with her hands she smears fresh blood on the stained wood. She looks for the tequila. They always have a lot on hand but recently Meredith has indulged on this particular drink. Grabbing the unopened bottle she carries it to the couch in the living room. She sits down and puts the glass bottle in between her knees and yanks on the cap. After a few strong pulls Meredith has it open. Taking a large gulp Meredith gets up form the couch and steps on her keys. The car alarm outside starts to blast.

Walking into the master bedroom Meredith drinks passionately from the bottle and gets into bed. With the blink of an eye Derek is laying there beside her. He is petting her blood stained hair and rubbing her back comfortingly. Meredith closes her eyes to breath in the soft cotton fabric he's wearing when he yanks on her hair.

"WHY DID YOU LET ME DIE." Derek yells. He gets on top of her and puts his two hands around her throat. He presses firmly and callously into the soft neck. Meredith drops the bottle of tequila and some pours onto her hair. She claws at him with the bloody and non-bloody hand and then she watches blood outpour from Derek's body. His cotton shirt is soaked through with new blood. His eyes dilate and his body goes feeble. Meredith pushes the dead carcass off her and screams even harder. She rolls out of the bed and grabs one third empty bottle of tequila. She is a little dazed but one thing on her mind is the boisterous car alarm blaring out side that is now giving her a migraine. She walks over to the window and looks at the car and sky.

"SHUT UP!" Meredith wails and chucks the two thirds full glass bottle of tequila through the window and through the front windshield of the car. The alarm still echoes into the sky but Meredith's mind is in chaos and she falls. The hard floor catches her. She hits her head which brings on an even greater migraine and she rolls on her side. Her stomach gurgles in her chest. Human plasma rises up through her body and out of her. Her hair now stained with, blood, sweat, tequila, and vomit sits ornamentally on her head. She gets up but her bloody hand collapses and she hits the floor again. She gets on both her hands and knees and crawls to the door. Meredith gets up and runs through the house and to the back door.

She opens the door and teeters on her feet as she tries to get from, the deck to the pill fertilized lawn. Meredith walks around the porch until she is overlooking the right lawn. She half walk/half trips down the small flight of stairs and drops to her knees. The grass is soft and Mer sifts her hands through the lawn to collect the pills. She fills her mouth and shovels and digs into the dirt for more pills. The cocktail of dirt and pills tastes gross but Meredith forces herself to swallow. In a matter of minutes her body starts to sway and she loses her balance. She falls on her side and manages to roll onto her back so she can face the sky.

Her tight black dress is sticky with sweat. The pain from within is far greater than anything she has ever experienced. Her bleeding hand finally starts to hurt and her tears buildup in painful droplets. Her messy hair now has grass and dirt added to the mix and acts as a squishy pillow. Meredith's hazel/green eyes start to fade and dull out. Her body becomes tired and for a single moment the clouds stand still and the car horn ceases to exist. The pain evades her and an immaculate sight comes form the heavens. Dere places his hand on her cheek and he disappears. Meredith feels her heart beat start to slow and she feels at peace.

The world she knows never comes back and the sound of the car is forever gone. The pain no more. Meredith starts to struggle to breathe air. She manages to whisper in a hush raspy voice:

"I'm coming for you love."

It's finally over.

* * *

 **Please review and let me know if I should do either a prequel or a sequel on why Meredith is this way or how her friends react! Thanks for reading!**


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